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Dental Check

by Lily Mulholland

Eddie eased himself back in the chair. The squeaking noises coming from under his backside took him back to childhood, when his mother literally forced him to come. She had peeled his fingers from the car door one afternoon and tanned his hide with such emphasis that Eddie never did it again.

“Comfortable?” peeped the dental assistant.

“Ah, yeah, sure,” he said. He was clearly uncomfortable — his nails were digging trenches in the vinyl armrests.

“Great,” she chirped. “I’ll go and let Doctor Ron know that you’re ready. Be back in a jiffy.”

“Okayay.” Eddie found himself unconsciously mimicking her singsong voice.

He stared up at the ceiling, taking in the thoughtfully placed laminated pictures of waterfalls and beach scenes. He realised he was holding his breath and made an effort to try to breathe normally. That made him think of the time Fiona had tried to teach him one of her new age breathing techniques she’d picked up at yoga. Or was it Pilates? He couldn’t remember. She’d tried to convince him to meditate before he went to sleep. He’d rather have just made love to her — his favourite stress-relief technique. Fiona, on the other hand, loved sex but it didn’t put her to sleep. It got her thinking, usually about what Eddie was thinking about.

“You have to breathe in through your left nostril and out through your right,” she’d said.

“Are you pulling my leg?”

“No Eddie, I’m trying to help you. Now concentrate.”

Eddie tried and to his complete amazement he found that he could actually do it.

“I’m doing it, Fiona!”

“Good boy, Eddie,” she’d said, her voice tinged with the slightest hint of sarcasm. “Now keep it going for the next ten minutes.”

Eddie was asleep in two. Fiona had pretty much given up after that. He hadn’t seen her in a while. He tried to remember how long it had been.

Eddie’s reminiscences were interrupted by the arrival of Dr Ron, in whose wake followed Chirpy and possibly her sister, Tweety.

“Hello, Mr Andresen!” Dr Ron spoke in exclamation marks.

“How are we today?” And the ‘royal we’.

“Fine thanks,” mumbled Eddie. He wasn’t one for small talk.

“So, we’re in for a root canal, eh?” asked Dr Ron.


“Well, I’d like to say it won’t hurt a bit, but I’d be lying!”

Eddie watched on as Tweedledum and Tweedledee buzzed around Dr Ron, fitting him with new gloves, a mask and goggles, laying out equipment on trays, and filling two large syringes with what he hoped was the good stuff.

Dr Ron seated himself and spun around with a flourish towards Eddie. He pulled the light down close over Eddie’s face. “Open wide!”

Eddie opened his mouth and closed his eyes. His fingers were interlocked across his chest, a tight bridge of knuckles. He tried to think of something relaxing as Dr Ron stuffed several cotton wads into Eddie’s right cheek. He settled on Fiona’s breasts. They really were something. That creamy white skin with two perfect little strawberries. He felt a familiar warm feeling in his pants until the prick of the steel needle in his gum killed it dead.

He’d already had a root canal on the left side, performed by a no-nonsense army dentist last year. Since he’d got out he’d had to pay for his own dental work. That had been a shock. So here he was, subjected to the blindingly white smiles of Dr Ron and his two bimbettes.

The smell of anaesthetic was overpowering and made him feel sick. Eddie watched as Dr Ron withdrew the needle and asked Chirpy for the second one. Dr Ron hovered the needle over the insertion point on the inside of the gum.

“Are we okay?”

Eddie tried to say no, but with a face full of cotton and half a fist already in his mouth, it came out as a tortured kind of assent. Dr Ron pushed the needle deep into the gum. Eddie passed out.

* * *

“Welcome back, Mr Andresen.”

Eddie heard Chirpy’s voice.

“You’ve been asleep for quite some time.”

Eddie tried to open his eyes, but the lids felt so heavy.

Eddie’s tongue felt its way along the teeth on the bottom right side of his gum. Everything felt normal, apart from the inevitable bruising. He tried to bring his hand up to rub his jaw, but he couldn’t lift his hand. Either hand. Eddie tried again and realised that his four limbs were held fast in restraints.

“What the hell?”

“I’m afraid you’re in no state to go anywhere, Mr Andresen.” The voice had taken on a different tone.

Eddie tried to open his eyes again. He half succeeded. Enough to see that he was no longer in Dr Ron’s rooms, but was in a large oval shaped room devoid of any furniture other than the bed he was in.

“What on earth is going on?”

“We’ve harvested your Y chromosomes, Mr Andresen.”

“My what?”

“Your sperm, Mr Andresen. But only those carrying the Y chromosome. We require them for our breeding program.”

“Breeding program?” asked Eddie, blinking stupidly.

“We have completed phase one of our absorption program and taken sufficient breeders for our start-up requirements. A major undertaking, but suitable young women were easily sourced by Doctor Ron.”

“We are now in phase two. We require human Y chromosomes to mate with ours. Once mated, the embryos will be implanted into the breeders, creating the perfect beings.”

Eddie’s head was spinning. “Perfect beings? What in the name of God are you talking about?”

“It’s not important. You have served your purpose. Once you are fully recovered, you’ll be returned to your apartment. Don’t bother talking to the authorities. Your army medical file has been altered to show you were discharged due to paranoid delusion.”

Eddie stared at Chirpy with her sickening white smile. It was only then that he was struck with the terrifying thought of how exactly they’d stolen his sperm.

Copyright © 2009 by Lily Mulholland

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