War of the Worlds
by Thomas Lee Joseph Smith
Report on the Cessation of Warfare
As It was Recently Conducted Between Our World (Earth)
and a World as Yet Unidentified (possibly Mars)
Report Compiled by Office of Recent Alien Invasions / Evaluations
Civilian consultant: Thomas Lee Joseph Smith, reporting
Hostilities have ceased. That’s the good news. The last stridently belligerent single-combatant tripod-elevated pre-positioned electric discharge off-world-origin advanced weapons platform, fell on June 19th at approximately 9:22 Eastern daylight time. Reports from the scene seem to indicate the alien creatures inside the mechanisms succumbed to a virus (or perhaps a bacterial infection; see parenthetical note immediate paragraph following.)
(This virus/bacteria hypothesis may portend other difficulties and will be dealt with last.)
As my report deals only with effects felt within the borders of the United States I am able to report casualties among our armed forces were very light; this may be attributed to either discipline and training, or to the fact that the vast majority of our armed forces are constantly being deployed overseas.
I will mention, by way of preparing the recipient for bad news from other sources, this fact: it is being revealed that everywhere else on the planet our forces seemed to receive more than their fair share of the devastation. In South Korea, Afghanistan, Albania, Iraq, Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Belgium, India, Cameroon, Oman, Namibia, Tegualagalpa, Mozambique, and even in the newly formed Republic of Driedbeefjerkystan; it was our forces who received the majority of the casualties. It looks like being spread all around the globe wasn’t the best defensive posture.
I’m proud to say our forces were first to fight, our forces were first to engage the enemy, and our people were the first to draw (albeit green) blood. (One fighting alien tripod was brought down by two well-placed grenades; see news article (1) attached.)
Almost thirty percent of the population has been eliminated due to this “War of The Worlds.” Whereas we do not wish to minimize the pain involved to family and friends, this loss is not as crippling as it would, at first, seem. We have already had a preliminary breakdown by occupation, on the casualties incurred. Nothing in our losses seems to be insurmountable.
Every occupation was affected, but none affected much more than any of the others (except for two separate job categories; see next two paragraphs). For example, if one percent (1%) of people are typically dentists, then our losses reflect this number, with one (1) dentist accounted as dead with every 100 people killed. And thus the surviving population can still be adequately served by the dentists remaining. The same with auto mechanics and hair dressers and all those other salutary and sundry occupations we see typically spread about us from Maine to Monterey. The losses in each individual industry are about in keeping with the percent already integrally present in the overall population.
However, there were two occupations whose losses were definitely out of keeping with this palliative trend. The alien machine that attacked Hollywood has all but eliminated the occupation ‘movie extra’. From years of training, all the movie extras (who were already highly concentrated in one locale) reacted true to form and could be seen running in tight groups and announcing their positions with unnecessary noise (screams) and could be seen falling all over themselves, almost as if they wanted to draw attention to their positions and predicaments; and then, of course, when cornered, cowering behind insufficient shelter. The occupation ‘movie extra’ (occupation 3452-mov-ex-day-horror-spielberg) may have seen its demise.
The other occupation affected most terribly was that of people who make their livings by hiring themselves out as stationary temporary hourly advertising personnel (occupation 12704-ad-serv-temp-kmart). With their instructions to stand at major intersections and to inhabit other highly visible places, these dedicated professionals were needlessly exposed and patently unprepared for the violence that befell them. None survived.
At first it was thought some might have survived; those few who were allowed to stand in shady (read: concealed) areas, or those few who were inside partaking of bathroom moments, or maybe those sitting in break rooms during their city-ordinance-mandated 15-minute per two-hour served time off from standing suspension of duties decree. It was thought that, by these circumstances, a few must have survived; but none did. This tells us these people are being denied breaks and tells us they feel they risk termination at asking for the simple basic humane considerations due to any profit-generating business associate.
So our losses were terrible. And some of the things we’ve had to do in response are terrible.
With our forces in Iraq busy fighting aliens and tripods, the commanders in Iraq have found it necessary to release Saddam Hussein and temporarily place him back in charge of his regime, as he was the only one who seemed capable of quelling the continuing insurgent activities and also capable of reinstituting the delivery of oil to the West, which was curtailed by the rampaging alien forces. In many other areas, as well, dictatorships are making a comeback with our full blessing and support.
As to the motivation of the attacking forces, for a long time we were merely guessing; now perhaps we know. We thought at first that they were after mineral resources (and that may eventually surface as their real motivation, but for the moment we have to deal with the assertions at hand).
In one of the downed vehicles a small booklet was discovered. After translation, the notebook/booklet seems to be their very own “Rules of Engagement.” It says simply, “You will be thought of as liberators.” and “Destroy everything that moves and anything stationary.” The book says that since this is a new kind of warfare, the Interplanetary Statutes Concerning treatment of civilians and combatants can be ignored.
The book we found says the reason Earth needs to be invaded is because it has a backwards system of government. The book calls our system of government, ‘leaderlessly authoritarian’. It points out the fact, that on this one small, insignificant planet we have 73,941 different governing bodies not counting the smaller gatherings and associations, like the governing body of the Model Trainbuilding Association, which elects new officers at each rancorous Tuesday night 7 p.m. meeting held at Ed’s tavern on Michigan and Elm.
The aliens say they are here to promote a more representative form of government with:
- An elimination of the Electoral College
- Tentacle-activated touch-screen voting
- Gideon Bibles replaced by Harry Potter action figures
- If at all possible, keeping the Supreme Court out of the next election squabble by hanging everyone named Chad and everyone who lives in Chad.
I have to say, seen from the outside, any system appears in need of reform.
As we have suspected for years, they were monitoring our electronic broadcasts. Found in their possession were episodes of Sex in The City and a copy of the movie Flashdance.
A bit more troubling was a cache of e-mails that appeared to originate from the computer assigned to the White House deputy chief of staff, Mr. Karl Rove. Mr. Rove, in an attempt to contact the aliens, addresses these outgoing e-mails to: TheBrandNewNewWorldOrder.com. A few were addressed to TheVastlySuperiorOverlords@DominateUs.com.
Equally troubling were some of the phrases found in the subject line of these e-mails. Some of the subject lines include:
- “The Whereabouts of the CIA.”
- “Hillary’s Motorcade Now Located”
- “Call me, You’re Gonna Need My Help in 2008.”
I have it on good authority that Karl Rove has been silenced.
Back at the beginning of this report I mentioned the fact that a virus (or bacterial infection) may have contributed (or more directly may have actually caused) the aliens to abandon for the moment their attack and attempted conquest. However that may not be good news. Immediately after our operatives located a downed single-passenger tripod off-world origin weapon platform, they entered by way of the open aperture and upon discovering an inert (presumed dead) alien the operatives obtained blood and tissue samples and sent them via jet to CDC Atlanta. CDC seemed concerned. There statements to us seemed to indicate a fear that a creature susceptible to our diseases might be carrying diseases to which we might be susceptible.
Some on my staff were quick to dismiss those concerns. Some here have thought the death of the aliens was due to factors “pre-ordained” or due to factors “cosmic” or “scriptural.” A great many have produced Bibles and have knelt in thanks, thinking to themselves that God in his wisdom has allowed microbes and viruses to flourish with God knowing that one day they would be instrumental in removing an ever greater threat. They seem to discount the millions who succumbed, the millions who perished due to the very germs they now count as diminutive allies.
I don’t believe in these hopeful interpretations. Germs have been, throughout recorded history, as bad as any number of violent interplanetary invasions and have afflicted man so catastrophically as to be, to the thinking man, an indication that God is absent, rather than indicating God is infinitely patient and continually planning our crafty defense.
But be that as it may. We still haven’t heard anything more from CDC Atlanta. Their last communication was terminated in mid-sentence. Neither has the jet returned as instructed. Nor can we reach Southeastern Military Command (SoCom) located in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Little by little the areas east of the river grow silent.
And to tell you the truth I haven’t been feeling very well recently, myself. I’ve been sweating profusely and having bouts of nausea. Why... just... a simple task like licking the envelope closed is going to be hard... what with my tongue being dry and swollen.
I’ll write again if time permits.
Alien Invasion / Evaluation / concluded
Thomas Smith, reporting
Copyright © 2005 by Thomas Lee Joseph Smith