The Tax Collector and the Knight
by Ronald Larsen
The nondescript office door displayed “Kingdom Tax Office” in large, faded gold letters. The elderly knight took a deep breath, then cautiously entered.
A short, rotund man wearing thick spectacles was sitting behind a battered desk. “Greetings. I’m Louie Finkle, Kingdom Tax Collector. And you are?”
“I am Sir Cadrigan Galahad, Knight of the Realm and Court-appointed Dragonslayer.”
“Welcome to the tax office, Mr. Galahad.”
“That will be Sir Galahad, if you please.”
“OK, Sir Galahad. Have a seat. We’re here to review your tax return. There’s no need to be nervous. We just need to make sure that the king is receiving the correct amount of tax.”
“Hurrah for our glorious king.”
“Now, now, no need to be testy about it. This is for your benefit, too. We must also ensure you are not paying more tax than necessary.”
The tax collector consulted a scroll. “You deducted 50 gold each for two horses. That seems rather excessive. You can purchase a good horse any day for 10-15 gold, and two of them?”
“Not so. First, a dragonslayer requires the best steed available. People will not acclaim a dragonslayer who mounts a plain old plow horse. That simply will not do! There is no prestige and, more importantly, no commissions to be had in that. And secondly, one of those horses was killed and consumed by a dragon, so a replacement was necessary.”
“Regardless, 50 gold is too much. We’ll make it 30 gold each, and even that is pushing the limit. Now about this saddle, 20 gold?”
“Sir, to obtain work, a dragonslayer must look the part. That saddle boasts silver inlays, and I purchased it from the most skilled saddle maker in the kingdom.”
“Do you have a receipt?”
“I do not.”
“We’ll cut this expense by half unless you come up with a receipt.”
“That, sir, is unfair.”
The tax collector looked peevishly over his gold-rimmed spectacles. “Too bad. I don’t make the rules. Then there’s the question of two lances. Why two?”
“Unfortunately, the initial lance I purchased was a showplace lance of inferior quality, and it splintered while fighting the dragon who killed my horse. It was then necessary to replace it with a finer and costlier product. A superior lance is a requirement for any knight, let alone a dragonslayer.”
“Really? OK, I’ll let that one slip through. Now, about the deduction of 100 gold for a sword. You can’t be serious.”
“Indeed I am. I obtained the sword from Prince Horace the Feeble, who stated his ancestor received it from the Lady of the Lake. That sword’s a treasure.”
“Then why doesn’t Prince Horace still own it?”
“That, my dear sir, is private information, shared only by His Royal Highness, Prince Horace, and myself.”
“I need the facts, or I’ll have to disallow the deduction.”
“If you must pry, Prince Horace is a bit of a gamester. He became inebriated, imprudently entered into a game of chance, lost heavily and needed to sell the sword to pay his debts at the close of the evening.”
“Now, Sir Galahad, your explanations are getting harder and harder to believe. We’ll cut that deduction down to 50 gold, and I think I’m giving you 40 of it out of the goodness of my heart.”
“A tax collector possesses a heart?”
“Twenty gold allowed for the sword.”
“Varlet.”
“I could make it five. Now explain this deduction of 100 gold for travel and lodging.“
“Dragonslayers must travel to find work, as dragons do not dwell in cities. One must venture to the mountains to locate them and lodge in small town inns or with farmers. A dragonslayer who wishes to survive must divine the lay of the land and formulate a plan to tackle a dragon. One cannot challenge a fire-breathing dragon head-on and survive the encounter. That endeavor requires time and money, not to mention the time and cost of travel to the hinterlands at the outset.”
“Okay, how many trips did you make this year?”
“Four, as stated on my tax return.”
“Got receipts?”
“Farmers do not provide receipts.”
“Yeah, I don’t suppose they do. So how many dragons did you kill this year?”
“One. Now prior to you saying anything, consider angling. Does one catch a fish every time he casts a line? No, he does not. It is the same with dragons. A knight does not necessarily slay a fire-breathing beast every time he ventures forth. Thus, he does not receive payment for his efforts, but still incurs the expenses involved in the attempt.”
“I’ll concede that point. How did you kill the one dragon?”
“That is the next item on the form. I paid fifty silver for a pig and poison.”
“I don’t understand.”
“If you must know, I attacked a small dragon with my lance and sword but only succeeded in losing a horse and lance and getting my ass — if you will excuse the term — and armor scorched. I then purchased a small pig and fed him slow-acting poison. Next day, I loosened the pig in front of the dragon’s lair. The dragon consumed the pig and expired one week later. Naturally, I remained in the area and paid for food and lodging during that time, as it was required that I collect the dragon’s head to prove my success and receive my renumeration.”
“That all sounds a bit fantastic, but I’ll concede some points. I still have to cut down the allowances for horses, saddle and sword, however.
“You tax people certainly make it difficult to be a dragonslayer. You’re placing me in a position where I can scarcely make a living. I require those deductions to avoid having negative finances at year end.”
“Sorry, but I’m only enforcing the law as laid down by the king. Perhaps you need to look for a line of work with a salary.”
“I’m a dragonslayer, you knave!” The knight paused, lost in thought for a moment, then he continued: “Are you mayhap aware of any openings available for slaying tax collectors?”
Copyright © 2025 by Ronald Larsen
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