Shifting to Another Gear

by Douglas Young

Part 1. appears in this issue.

conclusion

“Come on, Roly. I just bared my heart to you. So what do you think? Don’t you see how perfect we’d be? We already know practically everything about each other. I know you better than your own mom, or heck, anybody, and Lord knows you’re the top expert on all things Zoelle. And yet we still love each other, can tell each other anything, and have so much fun just hanging out.

“We don’t need to watch TV or do anything for kicks. We crack each other up and have never run out of stuff to discuss. The answer to all our romantic woes has been right here all along and we’ve just been blind to it. So what do you say? Don’t go all quiet on me now.” She kicked him again, albeit gently this time.

He tried to think clearly but was having trouble with Zoelle staring at him. He knew this was a uniquely pivotal juncture in their friendship and was torn over how to proceed.

“Zoey,” he began slowly, looking down at the sofa cushion between them.

She lowered her head and smiled up at him. “Yes, Roly,” she replied, chuckling.

“I’m deeply touched by your words.... Lord knows I wasn’t expecting anything like this, and I’m actually sort of speechless. I know I’m really flattered and truly honored by all you’ve said just now.” He took a big breath. “And your offer is mighty tempting.”

“So you’ve imagined us as a couple too,” she said eagerly with raised eyebrows.

“Oh, sure,” he admitted, softly nodding. “I mean, you’re quite a remarkable gal: gorgeous, kind, fun, totally up front, the proverbial ‘life of the party,’ and one of the most sought-after gals around.”

“Aw. Thanks, my sweet Roly.”

“To get to be your man is powerfully enticing indeed. And you’re right. We hardly have any secrets between us and are still best friends and sure do have a big time together. It almost seems like taking things to a romantic stage would be the next logical step for us.”

“Bingo,” Zoelle agreed with a gentle smile.

Looking at the wall, he hesitated, blinked, and took a deep breath, uncomfortable having to think aloud and dreading the reaction to what he felt needed to be said. Looking at the ceiling and clasping his hands, he sighed and proceeded, forcing himself to look at her and wishing she were still smiling.

“But as much as a really big part of me would be thrilled to be your beau, Zoey, I worry that getting romantic could... end up ruining the great thing we’ve always had: the best friendship of our lives. Please don’t take this wrong, babe, and correct me if I’m off here.” He turned his gaze to the table in front of them. “But, with all the guys you’ve gone out with, you’ve never had a really long-term romantic relationship — not that I have either — and you’ve broken up with all but one of your boyfriends, and you haven’t remained friends or even friendly with any of them, not remotely.

“Zo, if we got even closer as lovers only to have you break up with me, too, I’d be not just heartbroken but shattered to have lost the most important relationship of my life outside of my immediate family.” He finally looked at her to gauge her expression.

Zoelle had been uncharacteristically quiet to listen closely. To his relief, she neither appeared hurt nor angry. It also struck him how unusual it was for her to hesitate before speaking and appear to choose her words carefully.

After several long seconds, she responded: “Roly, I appreciate you being so honest with me, shug. I really do, and I’m right moved on account of you’re being worried about what kicking things into a higher gear could do to our friendship. I am, Ro.”

Relieved she was so understanding, he looked back at her, swallowing, blinking, and nodding. Her eyes never left his as she continued.

“But don’t you see how completely different you are from all my other beaus? Most of them I’d never known long and jumped into a relationship with too soon for all the wrong reasons, either because they were ‘big men on campus’ popular jocks and/or I just had the hots for them and tried to convince myself it really was ‘true love.’” She rolled her eyes with a sudden smile.

“But this is totally different, babe,” she stressed. “We’ve known each other for... almost seventeen years. We know each other far better than anyone we’ve ever dated, and we’ve seen each other at our best and worst and all points in between. We’d actually be the rare couple who really are best friends ’cause we always have been.

“You’ve got just the stability I need in my man, Roly. You’re totally reliable and bring out the best in me, reining me in when I get too wild. Yet I bring out the best in you, too. Think how many awesome times you would’ve missed if not for trusting me, letting go a little — okay, sometimes a lot — and following my lead. I think I’ve helped boost your confidence.”

He raised his eyebrows and nodded with a sigh.

“See, you know I’m right,” she persisted. “So trust me again, Roly. I’d never break your heart, babe. You mean way too much to me to hurt — and just imagine the hell I’d endure from Momma and Daddy and your parents, too. Breaking up with you would likely mean losing my closest friend, and that’s the last thing I want. Honest. I swear. I’m telling you. I’ve really had my thinking cap on about this thing for some time, and you’re not pointing out anything I haven’t considered. Believe me on this, Ro.” She gently pushed his thigh with her foot.

He thought of all the times when acquaintances who had seen the two of them together asked him if she was his girlfriend. Each time he said “no,” he had felt a little deflated.

Maybe Zoelle’s right, he mused. Perhaps moving in a romantic direction really is the right logical step. I’d certainly be entering a relationship far more informed about the girl than ever before. Why couldn’t we be as great a couple as we’ve always been as friends? How many guys ever get asked to be the beau of such a beautiful girl with whom he’s already shared so much? If I blow this, will it be the biggest regret of my life?

Suddenly, a new fear lit up his radar. Could turning her down romantically forever scar his dearest friendship? Might Zoelle’s fragile ego be more deeply hurt by his rejection than any other? Suddenly, he felt as if he could not win.

But he knew he was naturally a cautious person who obeyed his head over his heart, whereas Zoelle was the opposite. He also acknowledged there had been rough patches in their friendship when she had struck him as being too emotionally volatile or he had neglected her to obsess about work.

Eagerly waiting for him to speak, Zoelle pulled her feet to the sofa and hugged her legs tightly while looking at Roland. She studied his face and recognized how torn he was. Come on, Roly. Don’t let me down now. We can make this work, she silently pleaded.

For the first time in her life, she was tired of her endless and seemingly unbreakable cycle with men: the hunt, the excitement, the fun flirtation, the dance of seduction, the euphoria, and then the inevitable disappointment and rapid slide to disillusionment, breakup, and loneliness. Her unprecedented lack of enthusiasm for finding a new man in the wake of her latest breakup prompted fears she might no longer be heterosexual, and the lingering sadness made her fret she might be depressed.

For a long time she had occasionally considered the idea of Roland as a beau, as she inevitably had with every young man in her life, but heretofore she had always rejected the idea since she so valued their enduring friendship, by far the longest and most secure of her life. But her recent, unprecedented romantic dry spell had launched many more ruminations about all the common faults of her past boyfriends and a growing conviction and desperate hope that Roland would be a fundamentally different and far better romantic ideal. But she, too, had fears of losing the exceptionally close buddy on whom she had always leaned.

Sensing the stress of silence was worse than speaking, Roland took a deep breath and turned to face her. He now knew which course seemed much wiser and safer, and which one looked more exciting but far more fraught with risk. Especially with an impending transition to graduate school, more responsibilities at the newspaper, and Zoelle claiming graduation would launch her traveling for who knew how long, he believed the last thing he needed was navigating a new romance with an especially effervescent but often unstable personality.

“Zoey,” he began and paused, “I’m powerfully tempted to take your offer. Probably ninety percent of guys would jump at the chance, and most of the rest would likely be gay.”

At her laughter he felt a release of tension and was relieved he could still smile. Eyeing her ebullient face, he wondered if this was just a neat lark for her and he was taking it all too seriously. But her clearing her throat and fixing him with a determined look unleashed a fresh wave of butterflies in his stomach.

“But... I’m scared, Zoey. We’ve had such a wonderful friendship our whole lives that’s survived and grown through everything we’ve experienced, and I think our bond has truly helped us both through all kinds of tough times. Outside of my immediate family, this is the most important relationship of my life, and I don’t want to do anything that might jeopardize it. I’m sorry, Zoey, but I think this is something we need to think real hard and long about before taking it any further. Why jeopardize what’s always been such a good thing for both of us? I sure hope you’re not hurt, Zo. Please know that’s the last thing I’d ever want.”

Zoelle sighed, blinked, nodded her head, and looked at the sofa cushion between them, prompting Roland to lower his head and look up at her with a hopeful smile. He was enormously relieved when she broke into a grin before quickly looking away. It was distinctly odd for Roland to be the one desperately longing for her to speak when he so often had to interrupt her to be heard at all.

In her guts, Zoelle sensed he was right. As much as she wanted to believe they could be a dynamite couple, she knew her tumultuous romantic history better than anyone, and the last thing she wanted approaching a decidedly uncertain post-collegiate future was to risk losing her dearest friend. He had been particularly patient and supportive, tolerating her emotional laments of late, bemoaning all her failed adventures in Loveland. She shuddered at how much bleaker the last couple of months would have been without him. Sighing deeply, she looked at him resignedly.

“Okay,” she began slowly. “What you say does make sense, and I’ve considered all that, too. I guess I was hoping you could convince me that us taking a detour into Romanceville would really work, and I still think it might. But, while I’m generally willing to take all kinds of chances, I guess potentially messing up my most important friendship ultimately ain’t one of them.”

He started to heave a big sigh but quickly tried to conceal his relief, grateful just to listen.

“I guess I’m scared, Roly. Lately I’ve been so lonely, and nothing and nobody I’ve tried romantically has ever worked. It hurts — badly — and you’re the one continuously positive young man in my life. So, I figured maybe we should try to make a go of it as a couple. But I see all you’re saying, and perhaps finding Mr. Right ain’t really the answer to all my problems anyway.”

Roland could not recall Zoelle ever looking so pensive and resigned. He reached his hand to her and she eagerly took it.

“Zoey, I absolutely believe we’re making the mature and responsible decision here, especially coming up on graduation when we’ve got so much uncertainty and need all the security we can get. I’m enormously moved that you’d even consider me as a boyfriend and, hey, maybe one day that may look more like a sure thing. We don’t have to rule this out forever.”

“Right. Good point, Roly. Let’s just continue as we’ve been and, if one day, it feels right to head to bed, we can,” she remarked before chuckling.

“Gee, I hope it’s not that funny,” he quipped, prompting her to laugh harder.

“I appreciate you coming over and hearing me out, love,” she declared. “I’m right grateful to you, and it feels good knowing we can talk so frankly to figure things out together.”

Though glad to have avoided a tearful scene, Roland was troubled by how subdued Zoelle seemed. He could not remember the last time they held hands, but it felt good.

“As weird as it sounds,” he confided, “I think it’s precisely because I do love you that I don’t want to gamble on losing you. If I didn’t love you, I’d likely jump at the chance for romance.”

She slowly nodded at him, gradually smiled, and squeezed his hand. Sensing she was not talking for fear of crying, he smiled and squeezed her hand back. Wanting to break the tension, he finally spoke.

“And I promise to scout a lot harder to find a decent guy for you,” he assured her with a smile that grew when she chuckled. “And, you know, I really could do a story in the paper about your search for ‘true love.’ I bet it’d sure garner you a lot of male attention.”

“Yeah, thanks, Roly.” She rolled her eyes.

“Think about it. You could announce an audition for guys to compete to go out with you,” he mused more enthusiastically. “Yeah, this could be really fun, and think of all the suitors you’d get.”

“Ahem. Not even I would stoop that low. I do still have some dignity.”

“Well, I hope you’ll keep an eye out for a sweet, swell gal for me,” he remarked.

“Maybe,” she replied, “but I may still want you free for me.” She chuckled.

Before he could respond, her phone rang. The seemingly incessant phone calls and texts she received had long been tolerated by Roland as frustrating but unavoidable nuisances in Zoelleland. But this evening he was relieved by the interruption and saw it as his chance to exit the scene gracefully. Though satisfied, he was emotionally drained and wanted to save some energy for the story he still had to write that night.

“Hey, gorgeous,” Zoelle exclaimed into her phone with her face suddenly beaming. “What’s up, sweetie?... Nothing... No... What?!... No!... Ah! I love it. Oh, do tell and in slow, excruciating detail.” She sat up and pulled her legs under her Indian style with her mouth open and eyes wide.

Roland got up, waved goodbye, and began walking to the front door.

“Oh, just a second. Roly’s leaving,” Zoelle spoke into the receiver before looking up at him. “Bye, babe. Thanks for coming over. We’ll talk more. Oh, Tammy Jo says ‘Hello.’”

“Hey to Tammy Jo,” he replied opening the door.

“Roly says ‘Hey,’” she told her friend.

Once outside, Roland sighed, glanced at his watch, and turned to walk toward the newspaper office. Hearing a loud burst of laughter from inside the apartment, he caught himself smiling.