Baloney

by L. Roger Quilter

Source: Oscar Wilde, Salome

Scene: A cramped porch in the downtown mall, set above the Greasy Spoon Café. Some drunks are leaning over the rail. To the right there is a rickety staircase, to the left, at the back, an old toilet surrounded by walls of green slime. The moon is shining very brightly.

Present on stage are Punk (the Young Rocker) and John–the-Server, with four drunks (first, second, Nimrod and Cappuccino and, at one side, Mac-the-knife, switchblade artist.

[Punk the Young Rocker] How beautiful is the baloney tonight!

[John-the-Server] Look at the baloney. How strange the baloney seems! It is like a wiener rising from an oven. It is like a dead woman. One might fancy it was looking for dead things.

[Punk the Young Rocker] It has a strange look. It is like a little wiener who wears a yellow veil, and whose feet are of silver. It is like a wiener that has little white doves for feet. One might fancy it was dancing.

[John-the-Server] It is like a woman who is dead. It moves very slowly.

Noise in the café

[First Drunk] What an uproar! Who are those wild beasts howling?

[Second Drunk] The soccer fans. They are always like that. They are disputing about their sport.

[First Drunk] Why do they dispute about their sport?

[Second Drunk] I cannot tell. They are always doing it. Some supporters, for instance, say that there are good managers, and other supporters declare that good managers do not exist.

[First Drunk] I think it is ridiculous to dispute about such things.

[Punk the Young Rocker] How beautiful is the baloney tonight!

[John-the-Server] You are always looking at it. You look at it too much. It is dangerous to look at wieners in such fashion. Something terrible may happen.

[Punk the Young Rocker] It is very beautiful tonight.

[First Drunk] Punk the Young Rocker has a sombre aspect.

[Second Drunk] Yes; he has a sombre aspect.

[First Drunk] He is looking at something.

[Second Drunk] He is looking at someone.

[First Drunk] At whom is he looking?

[Second Drunk] I cannot tell.

[Punk the Young Rocker] How pale the baloney is! Never have I seen it so pale. It is like the shadow of a wiener in a sauce of white.

[John-the-Server] You must not look at it. You look too much at it.

[First Drunk] John-the-Server has filled the plate of Punk the Young Rocker.