A Selling Point

by Boris Kokotov

Who cares about the latest release of Bandana’s Thought Processor?! TP-Wearables are for fanboys. In my opinion, Thought Processors should be hardwired. I got mine implanted two years ago. The procedure took half an hour. Big brain, no drain. Updates are keeping customers free of bugs.

You may hear rumors that implants interfere with sleep. Nonsense! TP from ZOMBY — stands for Zillions of Memories Being Yours — actually induces deep, refreshing sleep every night.

Wearables require attention: they could be misplaced, lost or even stolen. Yes, that happens too. They must be brain-synchronized every time you put them on. Taking them off — at bedtime, for instance — and storing is another hurdle. Promoters of this crap spare no efforts persuading the public that TP must be off-head when updates are delivered to prevent random neuron firing syndrome associated with headaches and confusion.

With ZOMBY you’ll experience no confusion during updates, only a minor tinkering behind the ears. You’ll get used to this sensation, trust me! When, rarely, my provider delays an update, I have a feeling that something is missing, something is out of order. And as soon as the tinkering turns up — it always does — I am euphoric, almost out of my mind with delight.

True, you can’t take out the implanted chip. I mean, without surgery. But why would anyone ever think of doing so? And, honestly, folks wearing Bandana’s never take them off! Even at night, despite all those warnings about the syndrome. Folks got hooked on wearables because of aesthetics or rather, fashion. Headwear became trendy thanks to relentless promotion by Bandana, Hoodies, and the like.

But that isn’t right. We are the bald race, men and women alike. We’ve been proudly bald throughout history! The only thing on our head were tattoos. When TP started, the “Chip Layout” tattoo became an instant sensation. I got one, very elaborate. Cost me almost as much as the chip itself. Then wearables emerged, and suddenly people fell in love with them. Except those who — like myself — already had the implant.

The thing is, you can’t have both at the same time; it’s like having two minds in one head.

A few desperadoes tried, but it did them no good. And neither provider took responsibility. Of course not! Following those incidents, Bandana released its latest chip upgrade which supposedly addresses the issue by automatically shutting down the implanted TP. However my provider argues that this upgrade will shut down not only the chip but also the brain itself.

I believe it! I’ve already seen a few young people in our local bar, headdressed, big letter B imprinted between their eyes, which were blank beyond repair. Obviously, the kids had rushed to get this beta-upgrade. Early birds, so to speak. And they did look like very early and very crazy birds!

In contrast, ZOMBY’s technology enables your eyes to stay bright and intelligent no matter how many too-manys are consumed. A great selling point!

In fact, TP was developed to help humans stay competitive with AI. The last-ditch attempt.

It has failed spectacularly. What we call today “competition” is a phony rivalry between companies, all of them run by computers. That’s why I don’t care about latest releases: zillions of memories are more than enough. And if, eventually, they shut my brain down, at least — I hope — they won’t shut down the local bar.