Since January 1997, you may have read the popular Stupid Story series. You may have enjoyed the earlier stories, yet Stupid Story Inc. has voted that they were rated a -45 on a scale from 0 to 100. This one, however, might brighten your brains 'cause it's WORSE! SO BORING! DO NOT READ! OH, PLEASE, DON'T READ!
Two really stupid things to say, "I am not talking to you!" and "What's your name, D****** (or S******, or C*****, or A***, or J***, oh, for crying out loud!)?". Look at the end of the previous sentence; five punctuation marks in a row! Wow! Wow! Wow! Jake Cowan rang the doorbell at Zeke Spencerson's house. Why is there no snow on Zeke's lawn? thought Jake. He whistled. "T-minus ten seconds 'til break-in! Nine...eight...sevensixfivefourthreetwoone!!!" He flung himself at the door. The door fell over. The chandelier dropped and smashed on the tile-covered foyer. Jake bounced up the stairs humming "Jingle Bells". He belched at Zeke's bedroom door. The center of the door melted because of the high acidity in Jake's breath. Jake crawled through the hole. He sneaked up to Zeke's desk. "Oops! I forgot to knock!" he remembered. He squeezed through the hole in the door. He knocked two times. Zeke's slave robot shrieked, "Who's there?" Jake smiled and answered, "Jake Cowan." The robot said, "Oh, Jake!" It committed suicide by jumping out the window. Jake opened the door. The door pushed on a string that made a can of green paint fall on his head. ½ of the paint oozed in his mouth. "Tastes like chicken!" he said. He scrambled over to Zeke's desk. He picked up the desk and threw it out the window. It crashed on the sidewalk. Jake grabbed a glass jar of pennies on Zeke's bookshelf. He swallowed the pennies and marched downstairs with the jar. He took the chicken from the refrigerator and set it on a table. He found a bottle of vinegar and a container of baking soda. He sat down at the table and ate the chicken. He filled the jar halfway with baking soda. He picked up a knife and carved a circle out of a piece of chicken bone. He jammed the piece of bone inside the jar so it was stuck in the middle. He poured the vinegar into the top half and screwed on the lid. He wrapped masking tape around the the lid and the jar. Then, he picked up the jar and set it on top of the counter. He walked out of the house and across the street to his lawn. He sat down and waited. The vinegar in the bottle slowly wore away the chicken bone. Then the vinegar touched the baking soda. Jake watched the Spencersons' roof fly off. Then the house exploded. "Yay! I've committed a felony! Hooray! I've totally demolished a house using a baking soda and vinegar bomb!" Jake exclaimed.
Copyright © 2002 by Enogee Drink and Bewildering Stories.