Bewildering Stories

Stupid Story 7

Enogee Drink



January 3, 1995

Splash! Creak! Bang! Boom! Pop! Belch! The roller coaster slowly ascended the hill. Zeke Spencerson groaned when he saw the sign in front of him. "'Do not vomit to your right.' Ohh! What the heck does that mean? Oh, well, I'd better not do it to my right!" he said. Zeke glanced to the right. The roller coaster cars seemed three miles above the ground. He glanced to the left. There was his friend, Jake Cowan. Jake was picking his nose with his toes. "Ugghh!" groaned Zeke. He felt like throwing up at any minute. Suddenly, the roller coaster rumbled down...down...down. Zeke gulped when he saw the stupidifying concrete. The roller coaster crashed through the concrete sidewalk. Hard. Then it turned and came up. There was a whale on the track. The roller coaster collided with the whale. The whale went flying. The roller coaster screeched. The safety bars popped open. Zeke went flying. The roller coaster disintegrated. Zeke flew two miles. "I can fly!" he exclaimed. Crash! Zeke flew through his own bedroom window.

January 4, 1995

"Arrrggghh!" Zeke growled. He jumped out his other window and fell onto his front lawn. He swallowed all of the three feet of snow. Then he turned into the Abdominable Snowmonkey. (AAAAHHH!!) His skin turned to frozen snow, and his abdomen grew to ten times its normal size. He grew a tail, and got the ability to swing from anything with it. Zeke the Abdominable Snowmonkey left Flint, Michigan to journey to Mount McKinley, Alaska.

November 19, 1995

Zeke reached Mount McKinley and started to the top.

December 3, 1995

Zeke reached the peak of Mount McKinley and lived in a dark cave.

February 20, 1998

Zeke the Abdominable Snowmonkey left home and travelled to Provo, Utah.

September 14, 1998

Zeke reached Periodic Table Element-ary and walked to the fifth-grade classroom of Mr. Plutonium. He stole a refrigerator from inside of Alex Alminack's desk.

September 15, 1998

"You say someone stole your precious refrigerator?" Ricky Dicshunary asked Alex Alminack. "Yesss! Someone stole it right outta me deskie! I smell a fish!" said Alex. "When did you last see it, and did you notice anybody stealing it?" asked Dirk N. Syklopedia. "Oh, and yester afternoonie! And I ain't seen it sincie! Bark my words! And I didn't believe the tale about the Abdominable Snowmonkey, but I sawlit go poopdeckie northeast with me fridgie! And bake my hay! And I rember. I had 84 cans o' beanies, uh, two paggishes o' Fatheads Chewable Cheese Tablets, and, uh, leftover Oliver brand olive liver!" said Alex. Carl Thesaurus overheard the conversation and quickly slipped out of the school. He followed the Abdominable Snowmonkey northeast to the airport. Zeke circled the airport 43 times. Carl got on Extrelectron Airlines Flight #334. Zeke plummeted into the airliner. The ceiling bent. The engine exploded. "Ladjaka blinko!" rang the voice over the loudspeaker. Zeke picked up the aircraft and sent it flying toward Neptune. Then he headed east to Chicago.

September 16, 1998

"All right! Confess!" yelled Dirk N. Syklopedia, forcing everybody into a cage with a fake plastic rifle. "Waaah! I'm so sorry! I did it again! Ha ha!" screamed Juan Atlas. The cage opened. Juan ran out and drove a car east to Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

September 18, 1998

Juan Atlas' car magically flew into the air near the Wright Brothers National Monument. Juan drove the car in the air for one hour and forty-seven minutes. Suddenly, a giant worm fell out of the sky and sent Juan and the car into the deep Atlantic Ocean.

September 23, 1998

"It is a dead foreigner from the outside!" said a man in Atlantis. "Yes!" said another man. "We must bury him!" And that's how Juan Atlas got buried in Atlantis.

February 16, 1999

Zeke Spencerson the Abdominable Snowmonkey reached Chicago. The Sears Tower had bent in half. Chuck Darnit carried Paul Severe in a duck costume by his hair into the street. The top half of the tower fell on them. Zeke picked up the top half and climbed up the bottom half. He placed the top half on the bottom half. Zeke climbed up the top half and hopped onto the roof.

February 17, 1999

Ricky Dicshunary and Dirk N. Syklopedia came to the Sears Tower in Chicago. Zeke was busily eating the beans from Alex's refrigerator. Ricky and Dirk took the elevator to the roof. Zeke threw the refrigerator at them and swallowed the olive liver. Zeke threw the emptied cans of beans at them and devoured some cheese tablets. Zeke belched; then walked over and threw Ricky and Dirk over the side of the building. Ricky (and Dirk, too!) crashed through the gallium-covered asphalt street. They kept going. Finally, they popped into a red, boiling underground place. "I am Peaches!" said a voice. Ricky said, "Cool special effects, dude! How'dcha make 'em?" Peaches got mad. He jumped into the boiling lake of red lava. "One problem," said Dirk. "How do we get out?"

July 6, 1999

The temperature around the Sears Tower rose to 90º Fahrenheit. Chicago got flooded in a sea of melted gallium.

December 11, 1999

Chicago became a tourist attraction. The sea of gallium was spectacular. And the Sears Tower was gone. The World Trade Center in New York was now the tallest building in the world. And as for Zeke, well, we don't know!

Not copyrighted ©. Duh. Donk. No postscript, either! Pow! And no more Stupid Stories! Maybe. Yep, maybe! Any ideas for Stupid Story 8?



According to Enogee Drink, this story was written in 1997 and was recently dug up and offered to Bewildering Stories. The author apologizes for any offense taken from the events and/or characters in this story.

—The Editorial Triumvirate



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Copyright 2002 by Enogee Drink and Bewildering Stories.