Recycling the Slush Pile for Fun and Profit!
by John Gregory Hancock
How can we sell you stories so cheaply? Well, due to the Slush-O-Matic!!
— First, all slush entries for a month are sent to a strip shredder sideways, so that individual lines remain intact.
— Then, each strip is oh-so-carefully placed in the Slush-O-Matic (distributed by Newcom Industries, a subsidiary of Viacom).
— Just press the “Prose Puree” button and stand back!
— In no time, a newly formed, completely original short story is ejected from the Slush-O-Matic, ready for publishing under a new name!.
Testimonials: Gardner Dozois: Yep, I used to wonder what in the tarnation I could do to make money of mediocre submissions. I tried throwing them out, burning them up, and even on bathtub rings. I was beside myself in slush. I needed help. Then, I was in my workshop, and I had an idea!! Thus, the Slush-O-Matic was born!?!
So, order your Slush-O-Matic today, and be quickly on your way to literary stardom, Book preview groupies, rampant sex with librarians, and endless paper cuts!!
Here is a sample award-winning story, produced by Slush-O-Matic!
The Great Walenski Eats a Towel
— It was a dark and stormy night
— but Krevla the Usurper was no stranger to
— the town hall. Freckle-faced Weezer Davis stepped up to the
— recombinant DNA string and respliced it with the artificial
— lungs bursting with petroleum jelly, only then did he
— lubricously slather baby oil all over her
— twin matter/antimatter energy generators. “Let's go to Mars”
— muttered Wilson, the nebbishy accountant, transfixed
— between man and alien, there is no comparison. Aliens are much more
— dispirited, and hunchbacked, Quasimodo leapt from bell to bell, bearing the scars of countless
— planets as they swum by the rainbow trails of hyperspace turned in upon itself, making a Gordian knot of
— peanut butter. Karl always like peanut butter, especially if spread
— between her thighs, she produced a hidden needler gun, and aimed it at the intergalactic emissary known as
— Fluffy the cat. Stuck up in a tree, like always. But this time
— like the other timelines, was unstable due to constant meddling
— by the President of the United States, unbeknownst to the general population, ghosts were not only real, they
— got good gas mileage.
Copyright © 2003 by John Gregory Hancock