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Extreme Makeover

by Diana Pollin

Saul to the Wizard of Oz on the crystal ball line

Ozzie, this is Saul. Yeah, I’m crystalballin’ again. Tha’s a good one. Listen, I’m gonna give you the latest. Ferget diplomatic visit and think Sol head over heels in love with Sheeb with implucations for the fyuchour. Yeah. Dat’s right. Whadya mean who tole me? Himself and if he’s not in the loop then who is!

So it’s like extreme makeover time. First in the vehicle depaa’mint. Ferget the camels and the mules. I wan’ the best elephants power-steered by top-line elephant drivers from Indeeya and don’t gimme that crap about them bein’ slaves. Check it out with our legal department, they’re all been green paachmented.

Look Ozzie, I been thinkin’ about the little dog act and decided nix. They won’ go for it in Jerusalem. They’re class, real class and what plays in Kansas don’t... but we’re keepin’ the Lion and the Straw Man. Chuck the Tin Man an’ his heart! Brain, Courage... but Heart? Wha’ I don like about it is that the Tin Man is a tin man an’ not a tin woman, so don’t make like the Bride of Frankenstein. We’re runnin’ on a schedule here.

The point is you can get a lioness, but there’s no such thing as a straw woman unless you tawk witch, and that just don’t play. Believe me, it’ll bomb. And the miracle-woiking depaa’mint don’t go into high speed until You Know Who walks the Oith.

Ya know, the people’s touch will go over with the water to wine crowd but might run into problems with... Ozzie, stuff that noise. The Tin Man is out, dammit, out.

So... what was I sayin’? So we’ve put tugethuh a cast of thousands. And then I fin’ out that Sol’s into writing love poetry! Yeah! Naw, Sheeb’s not in de know. But like he’s preparing sumpin’, and it’s gonna be like a main feature in the bestseller of all times.

The point is that Sol and Sheeb are united in a love couple tha’d make Adam and Eve cough up the apple. Now if that don’t play, wha’ will?

That’s why I puttin’ in so much. Now how is this fer an idea? Crystal ball zooms on me an’ I’m like walkin’ a dusty desert road, tablets in hand. And like this light hits me whammo flat in the eyes and like I’m blind. An then, sumpin’ happens in Damascus and I’m like cured.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... now you’re tawkin’! Love it! So you want me ta bekum Paul, Saul inta Paul, an I start writing poison pen letters right’n left. Love it. Saul. Paul. Baul. Wha’s the dif’rence? If you’re gonna be in all the hotel rooms from Wasilla ta Paris ya gotta juice up yer act. An’ the whole point is how ta become more better, more moral, more richa’ an’ like everyone’s gonna look up to you.

Never mind that everyone’s gonna wanna change as well, but gimme a break Ozzie, the world’s full of crap an’ people like the how-to’s, politely called the self-help depaa’tment. I say give it to ’em. Throw in all the horned beasts, the captchured virgins fawced to marry and then convert their spouses, the ladders goin’ up ta Heaven, the fights with the angels. Extreme makeover.

That’ll cover the bellyachers, the-Lord-has-smote-me downers, the poor schmucks who don’ do nothin’ and gotta take it on the chin as an experiment in faith and those big mouths with their Thou Shalt Be Damned whatever you do because, come clean Ozzie, that’s what we’re really about.

Copyright © 2009 by Diana Pollin

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