Just A Bunch of Hot Air
by Michael J A Tyzuk
In 2007 a government-funded study on Climate Change concluded that bovine flatulence, which released a significant amount of methane into the air, played a major role in influencing climate change. As a result, the Canadian Government encouraged its citizens to remove beef from their diets. Their reasoning was simple: if we reduce the demand for beef, then we reduce the number of cows; and if we reduce the number of cows, then we reduce the amount of bovine flatulence being released into the atmosphere. The people of Canada, who are among the most environmentally conscious and devoutly Liberal people on the planet, quickly complied.
In late 2007, a new arm of the government was created to monitor the amount of methane being released into the atmosphere because of bovine flatulence. In mid-2008 that same agency released its first report. Prime Minister Pavel Harper invited the agency’s lead researcher to his office to present his report in person.
“Mister Prime Minister, I have good news,” Doctor Corey Dunnigan said as he strode into the office.
Unfortunately, he had the bad luck of making his pronouncement just as the Prime Minister was lining up an especially difficult putt, which the interruption caused him to miss. “Swine!” the Prime Minister cursed as he snapped the putter over his knee and threw the remains off to the side. Then he took a deep breath, ran his hands through his hair, and turned to face his intruder. “I’m sorry, did you speak?”
The Doctor nodded. “Good news, sir,” he repeated. “Our recent ban on beef in people’s diets has put us in a position where we could conceivably meet our Kyoto obligations a mere five years behind schedule.”
“Good!” the Prime Minister clapped. “That’ll teach those pasty-faced Liberal know-it-all swine in the House of Commons! SWINE!”
“Yes, sir,” the Doctor agreed. “In fact, there is every indication that the ban on beef could potentially cut all of our greenhouse gas emissions to zero if we give it a long enough fart.” His eyes went wide when he realized what he said. “Period. TIME!” he screamed and released a long, loud, very nearly earth-shattering dry fart.
The Prime Minister cocked his head and gave the Doctor a curious look. “Did you just break wind?” he demanded.
“Yes, sir,” the Doctor answered and promptly farted again, only much more quietly this time.
The Prime Minister nodded thoughtfully. “I see. Correct me if I’m wrong, Doctor, but doesn’t human flatulence put almost as much methane into the air as bovine flatulence?”
“Very nearly, sir,” the Doctor confirmed. And farted again.
“Well, if that’s the case, then what we need isn’t a ban on beef in people’s diets, but a ban on flatulence, yes?”
“You want to ban flatulence, sir?”
“In all its forms. Bad for the environment, you know. That’ll teach those Liberal wannabe swine in the NDP. SWINE! WATSON!”
The Prime Minister’s secretary appeared out of nowhere. “Yes, sir?”
“I want to draft a new bill to go before the House of Commons. From this day forward all Canadians found to be breaking wind are to be shot in the name of preserving the environment.”
“Yes, sir,” the secretary said, and promptly vanished from whence he came.
“What about me, sir?” the Doctor asked.
That’s when the Prime Minister pulled a gun from his desk drawer and shot him between the eyes. He gazed down at the body on his floor with a sad look on his face. “It’s for the sake of the environment, you know.”
Copyright © 2008 by Michael J A Tyzuk