Garin Webb recommends...

162 Versions of the National Anthem

“There is no story so truly bewildering as reality.” — one of Bewildering Stories’ unofficial mottoes

“I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English.” — A current political figure of some repute.

“You can’t tell ~~the players~~ the national anthem without a scorecard!” — updated version of a baseball-park vendor’s pitch

[Ed. note: the author of this letter is a professional musician.]

Just a thought.

I think major league baseball should embark on the promotion that for each new game of the season they sing the national anthem in a new language. Think about it: 162 games/team = 162 different languages sung and that’s not counting the off-season.

Wouldn’t you love to hear the anthem in Klingon or, holy crap!!!!, in Bushman (a Khoisan language – I looked it up)! And while MLB is at it, please 86 the singing of “God Bless America” during the 7th-inning stretch already!!! Don’t you think God has had enough of this goddamn song? (uh... sorry, God)

Could you imagine the National anthem sung in Chinese? The tune’s original 3/4 meter would have to be modified so much to accommodate the rhythm of the Chinese language that Bartok, Brubeck and, yes, Yes would be relegated to the rhythmic minor leagues. Or in Pig Latin. The additional syllable (-ay) naturally creates an Afro-Cuban 6/8 feel. Can you imagine people dancing in the aisles while the anthem is sung? Groovy.

During the singing of these variations, those who are having embolisms of the nationalistic variety will be permitted to sing along in English or in their heads — it’s a free country, dammit.

Who says this should be our anthem anyway? We only formally adopted it in what 1930 or ’31? Plus the tune is virtually unsingable. And the lyrics themselves are lame to begin with. I personally think we should jettison this anthem in favor of Guthrie’s “This Land Is Your Land This Land Is My Land.” Especially the later verses — very populist.

Or better yet pay the Russians for the rights to their anthem — by far the best one out there. And if these tunes aren’t good enough I will settle for John Cage’s 4' 33".

Yo debería ser Presidente.

Nationalistically yours,

Garincito

Ed. notes: “Anacreon in Heaven” was originally an 18th-century British drinking song, complete with bawdy verses. The tune itself may have been originally intended as a joke, for a kind of “7th-inning stretch.” After enough beers nobody notices — or cares — that the range is impossible for all but operatic voices.

The Russian national anthem junked Lenin and Stalin in favor of verses that are very environmental. They might be a little hard to translate into American English: references to lakes, fields, forests, etc. might have to be adapted as paeans to SUV’s, superhighways and urban sprawl.

“God Bless America” poses both theological and translation problems. It may be sung regularly in some churches, but all the pastors I’ve known have admitted privately — and at least one publicly — that they hated it. And translated into Arabic, it would come out as... Oh, never mind. That may be the whole point anyway.

“America the Beautiful” isn’t the U.S. national anthem because it’s not associated with a particular place such as Baltimore, Maryland that a civic-minded citizen can convince Congress to promote. Also, everyone would have to know all the stanzas, because the first is good and the others are each better than the one before.

Going from the sublime to the ridiculous, the all-time record for bad taste is held by France, where a winter Olympics opened with the obligatory singing of the Marseillaise. The first stanza is as bloodthirsty as can be. On this occasion it was sung by a 12-year old girl. Most of the country cringed at the incongruous spectacle. Almost any other stanza would have been more appropriate, but the first is the only one that anybody knows.

Now, Canada is the place to go for translations — except in public places. Most airport signs have French versions, but they’re usually a bit odd; they seem to have been composed by a fairly good guesser equipped with a dictionary and little else. The Canadian national anthem makes up for it — for those who know: the words and music were originally French. The English version starts out as a reasonable facsimile:

Ô Canada, terre de nos aïeux (literally: O Canada, land of our ancestors)
O Canada, our home and native land

Not really a translation; the English version omits the ancestors probably because the first European settlers were French.

And then the English wanders off on its own:

Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux
(literally: Your brow is wreathed in glorious blossoms)
True patriot love in all thy sons command

Not bad, actually, but the English verse is a cultural adaptation. Wreaths of glorious blossoms? Say what?!

And yet USians argue over a Spanish-language version of the Star-Spangled Banner. To borrow baseball slang, one doesn’t worry about that sort of thing in the big leagues, only in the bush leagues.

Don