Valeo, Valete

by Tamara Sheehan


to: doctor@webmeds.com
from: thoraxe@fantasy.net
re: strange ailment

Dear Webdoctor,

I write to ask for advice about a strange ailment recently afflicting my work. On Thursday last week I awoke to a noise like the sound of a cat being trod upon. The terrible sound came from my left side, my left hand in fact.

You will find it strange when I tell you that my hand has completely disappeared and has been, it would seem, replaced with a the upper body of a human being. This person, (about one and a half foot high) is completely sentient, fully formed (at least to the navel) and highly opinionated. The change occurred some time between 10 pm, when I retired, and 6:30, when I awoke and was absolutely painless.

Though I am in no pain, I hope you will be able advise me about how best to cure my ailment. I am self-employed and am finding work difficult due to this recent handicap. Any help you could offer would be very welcome.

Sincerely,

Thoraxe


to: thoraxe@fantasy.net
from: doctor@webmeds.com
re: re: strange ailment

Dear THORAXE,

Thank you for your subscription to WEBMEDS the fastest growing medical advice service in the world. Our doctors will attempt to provide you with the clearest diagnosis and the best prognosis possible. Any questions about our service can be sent to webmeddictator@webmeds.com.

As regards your particular ailment, I suspect some sort of allergic reaction. Can you tell me if you are allergic to any medications, what medications you may be currently using (or have taken lately), and what you ate the day before the symptoms of illness manifested?

Yours in health,

Webdoctor
Valeo, valete


to: doctor@webmeds.com
from: thoraxe@fantasy.net
re: re: re: strange ailment

Dear Webdoctor,

No allergies that I know of. No meds. Must get back to workshop, can smell the metal getting hot.

Hope that helps.

Thoraxe


to: thoraxe@fantasy.net
from: doctor@webmeds.com
re: re: re: re: strange ailment

Dear Thoraxe,

Have you changed your diet or exercise routines lately? Are you sleeping 8 hrs nightly? You said you were self-employed, do you feel you are under a great deal of stress? What kind of work do you do?

Webdoctor
Valeo, valete


to: doctor@webmeds.com
from: thoraxe@fantasy.net
re: re: re: re: re: strange ailment

Am a self-employed villain/artisan. Currently producing Sentient Swords and Jewelry of Ultimate Evil (see attachment).

T.

attachment: priceguide.exe


to: thoraxe@fantasy.net
from: doctor@webmeds.com
re: diagnosis

Dear Thoraxe,

I think it's likely the condition is an untreated allergic reaction. Your work is very nice, however, you must handle a lot of raw Ultimate Evil. Few artisans are aware that Ultimate Evil is a known allergen. Apply a little cortisone and the phenomenon should go away.

Thank you for choosing WEBMEDS.

Webdoctor
Valeo, valete

P.S. Could I order a Dagger of Doom in the ersatz finish (#4491-b)? I've listed my credit card number below. Please ship it rush to me as my son's birthday is coming up. I want the Doom to go with the little world the missus got him.


Copyright © 2005 by Tamara Sheehan

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