Raztan of the Grapes

by L. Roger Quilter

Source: Edgar Rice Burroughs, Tarzan of the Apes

I heard this story quaffing wine in a Casablanca bar last summer. The vintage of the wine was from the previous Friday and the headache it produced caused me to doubt the veracity of the tale.

My companion, seeing that I stared sightlessly at her, thought it passing strange her story had not captivated me. We almost came to blows, but our inebriation was such that we failed to rise from our somnolent state to inflict mayhem.

I will give you my version of the incoherent ravings she passed on to me. Perhaps you may discover some entertaining value in the words. Who knows, there may be some truth to the saga.

* * *

The story began in London in 1888 when the Foreign Office dispatched Jack Sandman, Lord Blackstake, on a mission to observe what the Prussians were trying to achieve in British West Africa. The utmost secrecy was to be observed.

Sandman felt he had been compromised at Charing Cross station when a porter yelled, “Make way for Lord and Lady Blackstake, secret service agent, off to observe Prussian infiltration in British West Africa.”

“Hush, my fine fellow,” Sandman whispered, “I am on a journey of the utmost secrecy.”

“Sorry sir. I’ll hand you over to mein Freund. He’ll show you to your carriage.” With a sharp click of his heels the porter turned and yelled, “Hans, der schpy avaits.”

Hans led them to a Pullman carriage reserved for them. Sandman noticed a reservation on the carriage window that stated,

RESERVED
LORD AND LADY BLACKSTAKE
TO DOVER WITH LOVE
(signed) JAMES BOND
FOREIGN OFFICE BOOKING AGENT

(WE DESPISE SPIES)

Once aboard they settled comfortably in the first class carriage for the short journey to the south coast. Jack Sandman and his lovely, heavily-pregnant wife, the former Honourable Alice Von Bahnhof-Schaffner of Camden Town, had no further incidents to alarm them until they were at sea in an ill-rigged sloop, the Esmeralda, manned by a dozen or so ragged ruffians who constantly ogled Alice.

“Admiring the baby, I shouldn’t wonder.” Jack sought to allay his trembling companion’s fears.

“Ja, ja, I suppose so.” Alice was not convinced.

The ship sailed placidly on smooth seas, but the very calm elicited feelings of fear in Jack’s heart. His suspicions were aroused when he discovered the crew spoke only German and kept the Sandmans under constant observation.

The ship entered Freetown and Jack noticed several Royal Navy warships at anchor. He argued to himself about seeking safety by signaling for assistance, but decided the old school tie would be ashamed at his cowardice. So the Esmeralda sailed with Jack’s last hope for help gone by the wayside.

Convinced that he had made the right decision, he turned to go below. He knew no more until he awoke lying on a sandy beach next to his loving wife who appeared disheveled and uncomfortable. His head ached and he felt a bandage covering his entire skull.

His sprits fell when he saw the Esmeralda sailing out of sight.

Sandman was surprised that the mutinous dogs had provided them with tools, sails, arms and provisions piled haphazardly on the smooth sands.

“They are cads, Alice, utter bounders; deserting us: alone in Africa; far from civilization.” He sobbed in self-pity and added, “At least they left us something to save ourselves.”

“Ja, they left it alright. You don’t know how hard I had to perform to satisfy them when I asked them for these goods.” Alice fanned herself with a pair of filthy, ragged seaman’s shorts.

“Never mind Alice, we’ll survive, but first we need firewood, branches to build a boma, a fully-cooked meal and a start on a permanent shelter. When you have finished that you may wake me for dinner.”

That night the roars and screams of wild animals emanating from the impenetrable depths of the savage jungle had Sandman trembling in his wife’s arms. As dawn approached the firelight dwindled and Jack casually replenished the fire with his old school tie.

* * *

Five months later the pair found themselves well adjusted to their new life. Food and firewood in abundance lay close at hand and the weather kept fine. No sign of human habitants were found on their short safaris and there was fine shooting available to replenish their larder. Alice seemed to tire a lot as her childbirth drew near. It was alright shooting game, but then she had to drag it back to camp, skin, butcher and cook before serving it to His Lordship.

There came a day Jack would never forget. Leaden skies over a smooth grey sea belied the approach of a storm so severe it was unbelievable. Fully-grown trees were uplifted and whipped inland by the gusts. Torrential rain, driven horizontally, soaked them and all their possessions. When the storm abated, the shattering screams of a new-born infant disturbed the peace of the primeval forest.

Alice’s breathing grew laboured and she shrieked as Lord Blackstake cut the umbilical cord joining mother to son.

Gazing at his son in the dim light, Jack exclaimed,”For a six-month pregnancy he is huge. He appears to be almost black.”

“Our name is Blackstake, Dear.”

“Yes, of course. But his nose is wide and flat, almost Negroid in appearance. His palms and the soles of his feet are the only white parts.”

Alice smiled a coquettish smile and fell asleep.

* * *

Eleven more months passed and the Sandman family managed to survive. However, Alice had never fully recovered from the birth of their son, staring into space full of melancholy and uttering short phrases, such as, “Mein Gott,” “Danke,” “Bitte,” and “Schweinhund.” She named her son, Raztan, though she knew not why.

By this time Raztan also spoke a few phrases like, “Goo goo, good wine, Papa,” “Hic, more wine.” “Raztan thirsty.” Jack knew only English and became disturbed by the raving lunatics he lived with. It was true about the wine. Several vines grew close to their abode and Jack fermented as many of the grapes as he could. With no milk on hand and clean water at a premium his son was forced to subsist on what his father produced from the vineyard. Thus Raztan became the youngest lush in the lush, verdant jungle of West Africa

* * *

“Auf Wiedersehen, mein Lieber.” One sunny afternoon, a week prior to Raztan’s first birthday, Alice’s body contorted in a final spasm as life left her. Sandman could scarce believe his eyes. He felt her words meant, “I careth not what happeneth to thee, Jack, I’m alright.” It was deucedly awkward to be left alone with a year-old nincompoop who screamed constantly for his wineskin.

A few hours later the body emitted a strong odour, so Jack opened the door of the cabin his wife had erected with his encouragement. As it turned out it was a fatal mistake.

Jack raised a blackened stick to write in his journal. Charcoal sufficed for written entries. The last of the ink had gone months before.

He wrote, ‘My son is crawling over my diary. He has left footprints from some hyena dung he stepped in and I am about to vomit.’ He placed his head on the table and fell asleep.

* * *

Close by, a tribe of great apes huddled in the trees sheltering from the remnants of the storm. Wet and bedraggled the small group shivered in the last of the dying winds.

A huge male ape, known as Turdy, lost his temper and went on a rampage, scattering the tribe which fled at the first signs of Turdy’s impending anger.

Thus disturbed, some sought shelter avoiding the great ape’s madness. Several entered the small cabin and when Jack looked around he was set upon and slaughtered swiftly.

Karla, a female ape, recently released from a Prussian zoo, took to the trees. Her small infant was jogged loose and fell to the ground. Karla knew it was no use trying to retrieve the body; it was too late for that.

Several apes moved around in the lonely cabin. Two of them sniffed at the dead bodies, Jack’s smelled of sweat and Alice’s stunk of sauerkraut, a food that even Karla detested, though she had been fed that at the zoo. With quick hands she seized the small toddler happily guzzling his wine and fled into the jungle.

Karla raised Raztan as her own, showering love upon him and shielding him from the other apes who thought Raztan had a disease because the only hair he had grew in tight, black curls on his head. Also, his screaming disturbed the peace. They were unaware of alcohol withdrawal symptoms.

When he started to walk and swing through the jungle, Karla knew her son would not get lost when he left the amphitheatre where they lived. Karla merely wandered back to the cabin to find Raztan red-eyed and staggering in an alcoholic daze.

* * *

The years passed and Raztan became strong and swift, His intelligence almost matched the other apes, but not quite.

Several incidents caused his fellow apes to stare in awe at the diminutive figure that was Raztan. Most of these incidents were the result of providence.

Visiting the cabin Raztan had found books that took him years to decipher. Many other things he found in the cabin amused him.

Of special interest was a box of matches that created fire. One day Raztan found himself on a tree branch with Turdy on a limb below him. Raztan hated Turdy and flicked a lighted match in the ape’s direction. As luck would have it the match struck the back of Turdy’s hand and set fire to the fur. The huge ape let go of the branch and crashed, screaming in agony, to the forest floor. His death came as a great shock to the tribe and Raztan achieved godlike fame.

Bulgy, a mad gorilla, attacked and managed to entrap Karla and killed her with one blow of his massive paw.

Enraged, Raztan fell from the tree and rushed at Bulgy. A wicked look appeared on the countenance of the gorilla that charged, tripped over a root and smashed his skull on the trunk of a tree. Of course Raztan took credit for this deed and rose to be king of the apes.

* * *

The rest of Raztan’s story involves a cousin and an American girl and is the love affair that I dread to relate.

Suffice to say that Raztan fell in love and was rejected and later rescued a French officer from certain death by cannibals. Lieutenant Darned-Deux taught him how to read and write and sent off the Blackstake diary containing Raztan’s footprints proving him to be Lord Blackstake.

Jack’s cousin, Clayton Sandman, now recognized as Lord Blackstake, also loved the girl, June Portlyass, contacted the French officer and simply said. “Keep quiet about Raztan’s inheritance and I’ll split the money with you. Open your mouth and I will split your skull.”

Darned-Deux was a man of honour but changed when he discovered the amount of money involved.

“Raztan, my saviour, my friend, vous êtes un ape. Go home to Africa and swing in the trees to your heart’s content. I give you these grape stones to plant as a parting gift.” With that the Frenchman left to pick up his fortune and Raztan returned to the cabin he knew so well.

He planted the grape stones and lived in contentment as an alcoholic. The vines flourished and Raztan was happy.

On one windy day, the naked Raztan climbed to the top of the tallest vine and settled to watch the waves crashing on the beach. His naked body swaying in the breeze felt only peace and harmony.

Down below him a human skeleton seemed to stir in its grave and one could almost hear a female voice utter, “Mein Gott! Vot a vopper!”